In short: You don't owe anyone a reason. A quick, friendly "No, thanks," said without a pause, handles most offers, and a drink already in your hand stops many of them before they start. For the people who push, have two or three firmer lines ready, a way to leave, and one person you can text.
You don't owe anyone a reason
When someone holds out a drink, a pill or a joint, it can feel like you owe them an explanation. You don't. Whether you are in recovery, why, and for how long is your business, and you get to decide who knows.
A reason can actually make it harder. "I'm on antibiotics" invites "Oh, one won't hurt." "I'm driving" invites "Stay over." The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) puts it plainly in its guide to building drink refusal skills: skip long explanations and vague excuses, because they drag the conversation out and give you more chances to give in. Its other tips:
- Don't hesitate. A pause gives you, and them, time to talk you into it.
- Look at the person. Eye contact says you mean it.
- Keep it short, clear and simple.
- Plan a few answers ahead, from a simple no to something firmer, in case they keep going.
NIAAA also separates direct pressure (someone offers you something) from indirect pressure (just being around it makes you want it). Both are real. Researchers who study relapse list social pressure among the classic high-risk situations, so it makes sense to go in with a plan instead of hoping it won't come up.
Short lines for every room
Pick one or two that sound like you, and say them out loud a few times before you go. It feels silly. It's also a lot easier than making it up on the spot.
At a bar or a party
- "No, thanks. I'm good."
- "I've got one, thanks." (Lift the glass you're already holding.)
- "I'm getting a club soda with lime." Order it yourself, before anyone offers.
- "Not tonight."
At a family dinner
Family can bring back old roles and old arguments along with the bottle. Short and warm usually lands best here.
- "No, thanks. Could you pass the potatoes?"
- "I'm not drinking these days. This food is great, though."
- "I'm good with water. How's the new job going?"
Changing the subject is not rude. It tells people the topic is closed.
At a work event
What you share at work is your choice. You don't owe a boss or a coworker an explanation for what's in your glass.
- "I'm all set, thanks."
- "I don't drink. Want to grab a coffee instead?"
- "I'm good. What are you working on these days?"
At a wedding
The toast is the moment people dread. You can raise whatever is in your glass. Nobody checks.
- To the server: "Could I have a sparkling water instead? Thanks."
- To the relative with the bottle: "I'm celebrating. Just not with that."
- "I'm good, I've got mine." (Keep yours full.)
With a friend you used to drink or use with
This one can be the hardest, because the offer comes with history. Honesty with a door left open is often enough.
- "I'm not doing that anymore. I'd still like to see you, just not like this."
- "I'm out. Want to get food instead?"
- "No. And please don't offer again. It's not easy for me."
One plain fact, if the offer is a pill: the CDC warns that illegally made fentanyl is pressed into fake pills that look like real prescription pills, and people may not know it's there.
With a pushy host
Some hosts treat a refill as hospitality. Have a ladder of answers ready, each one firmer than the last:
- "No, thanks."
- "Really, I'm good."
- "I don't drink. Please stop offering."
- "I've said no a few times. If it keeps coming up, I'm going to head out."
None of these steps needs a reason. The words just get firmer.
What to hold in your hand
A full glass is the simplest refusal there is. NIAAA suggests having an alcohol-free drink in hand the whole time. A few that look like any other drink:
- Club soda or tonic with lime
- Ginger ale, cola or iced tea over ice
- A mocktail, if the bar makes them. Say "no alcohol" clearly, and watch it being made if you can.
- Coffee or tea at a dinner or a work event
Keep your glass at least half full, because an empty one invites a refill. If you set your drink down and lose track of it, get a new one.
Non-alcoholic beer and wine are your call. Some people in recovery find them fine. Many find the taste, smell or bottle too close to the real thing.
Plan your way out before you walk in
NIAAA's advice is to plan an escape in case temptation gets too strong. Leaving early is a plan, not a failure.
- Get there on your own terms. Drive yourself, or have a ride you control, so you can leave when you want.
- Pick a time. "I'm staying until the cake" or "I'm out by nine." Tell the host at the start, and nobody's surprised when you go.
- Have an exit line. "I've got to head out. This was really good to see you."
- Leave before it peaks. Parties often get harder as the night goes on.
You are allowed to skip an event entirely, too. And you are allowed to go.
Have one person you can text
SAMHSA counts community, meaning relationships and social networks that provide support, as one of the four things that support recovery. At a party, that can be as simple as one person who knows where you are.
- Choose them before you go. A sponsor, a sober friend, a sibling, a counselor: someone who won't lecture.
- Tell them the plan. "I'm at the wedding from 6 to 9. Can I text you if it gets hard?"
- Agree on a signal. One word that means "call me now," so you have a reason to step outside.
- Text after. "Home. Made it." It closes the night, and it reminds you that you did.
When someone keeps pushing
If you've said no twice and they're still at it, their pushing is about them: their drinking or using, their discomfort, their idea of a good time. It isn't a verdict on you.
- Say it once more, firmly. "I said no. Please drop it."
- Change places. Go to the food, the dance floor, the porch, the bathroom.
- Find your ally. A friend in the room who knows can steer people away.
- Talk to the host quietly. NIAAA also suggests simply asking others not to pressure you.
- Leave. You don't need permission, and you don't need to say goodbye to everyone.
You don't have to keep someone comfortable at the cost of your recovery. If they are hurt that you said no, that can be sorted out tomorrow, sober.
Sharing the win afterward
Getting through a wedding or a holiday dinner is worth telling someone about. At launch, the Free and Sober app has Your Corner, a way to share your progress with people you choose. You add someone by their first name and email address and choose what they see: milestones only, or milestones plus your day count and the day your Time Capsule opens. They accept an invite first, and they never need the app. They never see your recordings, conversations, check-ins, notes, cravings or slips, and they are never contacted in a crisis.
It's for sharing progress, not for the moment at the party. For that, text your person directly. See how the app works.
If tonight is hard
Free and Sober is not an emergency service. If you're in danger, call 911, or call or text 988.
- Call or text 988, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It's free and confidential, any hour.
- Call 911 in an emergency.
- Call SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, for treatment referrals and information, any hour.
More lines are on our Safety page.
This post is general information, not medical or legal advice. Free and Sober is a wellness app, not medical care, and it doesn't replace a doctor, a counselor or a treatment program. Check with a doctor before you make any medical decision, including stopping or changing any medicine.