In short: Start with one or two people who are safe and on your side. Tell them plainly, in a sentence or two, and ask for one specific thing that would help. You don't owe anyone the whole story, and trust tends to come back through what you do over the coming months, not through what you promise tonight.
Who to tell first, and who can wait
Telling someone can make this less lonely. SAMHSA names community, meaning relationships and social networks that provide support, friendship, love and hope, as one of four major dimensions that support recovery. But who knows, when, and how much is your call. You don't have to tell everyone, and you don't have to do it this week.
Good people to tell first:
- Someone safe who's on your side. A person who will be glad for you, not one who'll make it about themselves.
- Anyone you live with. They'll notice anyway, and you may want what's kept in the house to change.
- A doctor, if you've been drinking or using every day. Stopping some substances suddenly can be dangerous. If you drink heavily every day, or take benzodiazepines, other sedatives or opioids every day, talk to a doctor before you stop. Withdrawal can cause seizures and can be life-threatening. The SAMHSA National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, can help you find detox, free, any hour. If a seizure, confusion, seeing things or chest pain happen, call 911.
People who can wait:
- Your boss and coworkers, unless you need time off or a schedule change.
- People you drank or used with. You can tell them later, briefly, or not at all.
- Extended family, acquaintances and social media. A public post is hard to take back, and there's no rush.
Stigma is real, and NIDA notes that feeling stigmatized can make people less willing to seek care. That's a good reason to start where it's safe. If a partner hurts, threatens or controls you, think about your safety before you tell them. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, is free and confidential, any hour. If you're in danger right now, call 911.
What to say: openers you can borrow
Keep it short and true. Say what you're doing, when it started, and one thing that would help. Use the words that fit you: drinking, using, pills, all of it. You don't have to use any label.
A partner
"I need to tell you something. I'm getting sober, and I started on Sunday. I know you've heard promises before, so I'm not asking you to believe me tonight. I'm asking you to watch what I do. It would really help if we kept nothing in the house for now."
A parent
"It's been harder than I let on. I've stopped using, and I'm getting support. I'm not asking you to fix anything. A call on Sundays would mean a lot."
A close friend
"I've stopped drinking. It's a real change for me, not a month off. I still want to see you. Can we do breakfast or a movie instead of the bar for a while?"
A boss
You can often ask for what you need without naming a diagnosis.
"I have some health appointments on Tuesday afternoons for the next couple of months. I've planned my work around them. Can we set up the schedule?"
A friend you used with
"I've stopped using. I'm not judging you, and I'm not asking you to stop. I just can't be around it right now. If you want to get food sometime, I'm in."
Pick a calm moment, not the middle of a party or an argument. A text or a letter is fine if saying it out loud feels like too much.
What to ask them for
Many people want to help and don't know how. One clear ask works better than "just support me." A few that people use:
- "Please don't offer me a drink or anything else, even as a joke."
- "Can we keep alcohol and anything else out of the house for now?"
- "Text me on Friday nights. That's when it's hardest."
- "Come with me to a meeting, or drive me there."
- "Don't count my days or quiz me. If I want to talk about it, I'll bring it up."
- "If you're worried about me, tell me directly and kindly."
Handling the reactions you get
Support
Take it in. Say thank you, and tell them the one thing that would help most. Telling someone takes courage, and a good reaction is worth remembering on a hard day.
Doubt
"I'll believe it when I see it" can sting, especially if you've tried before. It's also fair, and it tells you what would convince them: time. You don't have to win the argument tonight.
"That's fair. You don't have to believe me yet."
Jokes
People often joke when they feel awkward. You can let one go, or be direct once:
"I know you're kidding, but this matters to me. Please don't joke about it."
Pushback
"You're not that bad." "Just have one." "You're no fun anymore." Sometimes pushback is about the other person's own habits more than yours. You don't have to argue or prove anything, and you can say the same short line as many times as it takes:
"It's what's right for me."
If someone keeps pushing, it's okay to see less of them for a while, or to see them only where there's no drinking or using.
What you don't owe anyone
- The whole story. "I've stopped" is a full sentence. Your reasons, your history and the details are yours to share or keep.
- A label. You don't have to call yourself anything, now or ever.
- A promise of forever. "I'm not drinking or using today" is honest. A big vow can turn into one more broken promise, and that makes trust harder.
- Other people's privacy. If you go to meetings, the people there are private too. In AA, the one obligation is not to share who you saw outside the meeting.
- Your employer, in most cases. In the US, the EEOC, the federal agency that enforces workplace discrimination law, says that in most situations you can keep a health condition private, and it counts alcohol and opioid use disorder among mental health conditions. Asking for a change at work, called an accommodation, can mean sharing some medical information. For your own situation, HR, an employee assistance program (EAP) or an employment lawyer can explain the rules.
Rebuilding trust over time, not with promises
If drinking or using hurt people you love, they may stay wary for months or longer, even while you're doing everything right. That's normal, and it isn't a verdict on you.
- Let what you do carry it. Show up when you said you would. Be where you said you'd be. Small, steady, boring consistency says more than a speech.
- Make fewer promises, and keep them.
- Let them have their feelings. Anger, relief and distance are all fair. You don't have to talk them out of it.
- Amends can wait until you're ready. In the twelve steps, amends come later, in Steps Eight and Nine, usually with a sponsor's help, and Step Nine makes them "except when to do so would injure them or others." Where contact would hurt someone, people talk about living amends: simply living differently. Other paths, like SMART Recovery and LifeRing, focus on how you act now.
- They can have support of their own.Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are for the people who love someone who drinks or uses, and SMART Recovery has Family & Friends meetings. They can go whether or not you do.
Sharing your progress without a speech
Some people would rather not have the same conversation over and over. At launch, Free and Sober's Your Corner is a way to share your progress with people you choose. You add someone by their first name and email address, and choose what they see: milestones only, or milestones plus your day count and the day your Time Capsule opens. They get one invite email and must accept, and they never need the app. It's part of the Plus and Premium plans.
They never see your recordings, your check-ins, your notes, your cravings or your slips. If your count restarts, their milestone emails simply pause, and nobody is told. They're never contacted in a crisis. Anything else, you can tell them yourself, when you're ready.
If tonight is hard
Free and Sober is not an emergency service. If you're in danger, call 911, or call or text 988.
- Call or text 988, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It's free and confidential, any hour.
- Call 911 in an emergency.
- Call SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, for treatment referrals and information, any hour.
More lines are on our Safety page.
This post is general information, not medical or legal advice. Free and Sober is a wellness app, not medical care, and it doesn't replace a doctor, a counselor or a treatment program. Check with a doctor before you make any medical decision, including stopping or changing any medicine.